Nandi had just discovered a new restaurant in her neighbourhood that served good vegetarian meals. She would walk in alone every Wednesday evening, have her tea as she waits for her take-away. The take-away would be food for the rest of her family members and her favourite vegetarian Indian meal. One evening, a gentleman […]

Nandi had just discovered a new restaurant in her neighbourhood that served good vegetarian meals. She would walk in alone every Wednesday evening, have her tea as she waits for her take-away. The take-away would be food for the rest of her family members and her favourite vegetarian Indian meal. One evening, a gentleman she had so frequently seen at the restaurant walked up to her. He offered to join her table but she politely declined. There was a reason why she had fallen in love with that particular restaurant. Quietly sitting alone was too peaceful. She didn’t need company after spending a whole day attending to clients at work. This was her alone time before she could get back to her family and listen to, this one is fighting, whose socks were missing, why the sugar bowl was in the bathroom and a debate on who used the bathroom last and left it in a mess.

When someone wants calm and peace, quietness instead of noise, when someone prefers silence over texting, when going for a walk or a run doesn’t require you going with headsets to listen to anyone, going to the mall with just a list of groceries, going to a movie alone, stepping out of the house without your mobile phone, this is solitude. What we call one ball better. There is a clear distinction between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is about the room not having any other people around, being lonely is a feeling that can be felt even in a crowd of 100, it’s when the mind is missing someone.

There is a reason why when people are fasting spiritually, they mainly go away to places that have few people. A reason why couples hoping to mend their relationship do well when they go to a secluded hidden location just the two of them. A reason why even heads of state require working holidays. There is a reason why a person coming of age was put in seclusion in our African culture, not only to learn marriage secrets but to be able to find their mind and learn the power of silence. There is also a reason why a mwalanjo (bride) sits silently. And sometimes, when we are not giving our minds the much needed rest from the hustles of this world, our body falls sick just so you can rest.

When was the last time we sat alone, no background music, no constantly checking our media feeds for latest updates on whose waist line is smaller and what my gender wore to that glamorous event or who has withdrawn from standing in the by-election? Alone time is not something that happens to you. It is something you build. Someone who can enjoy and can stand being alone is living. The question is, have you made your mind a place worth being in?

Being alone is actually encouraged for clear mental clarity. In our mind, are opinions, choices and desires. And these become clear to us when we are alone without hearing other people’s views. If you are never alone unless at sleep time, it means you are living in people’s reactions, anticipating moods and adjusting ourselves to fit in and make everyone comfortable.

Unless you are a politician or CEO, the only power we have is over our own minds and not over outside events and the sooner politicians and CEO’s realise this, the better they will accept when it is time to step down. And once you realise this, you can harness your strength. When being alone is okay with you, a text not responded to simply means a quiet phone and nothing more. A cancelled date simply means you have more time to plan other activities in your calendar. The same way we guard our homes with electric fences, security guards and guard dogs, should be the same way we guard our minds and time. The fact that we simply cannot give away entrance into the bedroom to everyone who steps into our house, is the same way we must guard against what we dwell our minds on. In our primary school days, not sure if this is still being emphasized, there was a saying of “garbage in, garbage out.” If you are spending hours listening to someone insulting on social media, what benefit is it to you? When you control your mind, by being selective with what goes in, you become emotionally strong because you will pause and think all the time. The mind will shock you on what it can do if given a chance to perform to its full potentiality.

Alone time is very important, in this busy world, a drive to work can be very useful. Lunch hour can be utilized to listen to yourself. You do not need to spend every lunch hour with a colleague, spend it with yourself. Take a walk without your phone. Even the good book says there is time for everything, in as much as you have time for others, find time for you.

Friends and company are important in our everyday living but simply because we need them to be able to show care for others. Love is a beautiful thing which can be freely expressed if we know how to love ourselves. And when we love ourselves, we will not need someone to complete us, especially individuals who want us to beg and cling to them.

Being alone teaches us to choose our company wisely. When you have mastered and start enjoying your own company, you will begin to discover that some people just rub off their anxiety and fears on to you. And this can help you break off unhealthy friendships. A little exercise; after being with a particular person or group of friends, ask yourself if you are drained afterwards or do you feel motivated about life?

When the noise goes silent, your mind does not go quiet, it starts talking, old regrets and fears of tomorrow, will my daughter clear her exams? Does he miss me like I miss him? Is the feeling mutual? Will I beat the proposal deadline? Where do I get the money to buy the stock feed? Will I be appointed? Will I raise the funds for the wedding in good time? Will I manage to raise the lobola money? And the above reasons is what makes others not stand themselves. They prefer distraction to avoid answering themselves.

A deliberate plan to spending hours with ourselves evaluating our day’s events and what could be done differently next day is very helpful. Treat yourself with kindness as you review the days itinerary and plan for the next. Ask yourself what was annoying during the day? How was it handled? What can you do differently tomorrow?

Learning to have alone time makes you stronger that criticisim will not defeat you. You can sit in a difficult conversation and have your own views heard. May I remind you that most times, people’s behaviour is a reflection of their insecurities and that is nothing we have control over. I want to challenge someone, start doing somethings alone, go shopping alone. Go to the gym alone, sit alone at church (others have to sit with familiar faces), go for a walk without your phone, switch off the radio as you drive to work, drive in silence. In short, start enjoying your own company, take a bath, dress well not because you have somewhere to go, get back to your hobby that should involve physical activity, even it if was last done 20 years ago. Get to know yourself in silence. Happiness is not waiting to be delivered like fresh flowers by a lover but you can cultivate your own joy by having time for you. Don’t wait for a promotion to start looking and dressing well; for a tea party invitation to enjoy some good tea; a wedding invitation to put on your dancing shoes. Stop being so busy and find time for you. Learning to be alone makes you a better companion to everyone. Your peace is never in anyone’s hands. I hope some of my colleagues understand why I do not compromise my lunch hour, I have the right to be alone and I love it.

Seek help when in need, visit a Counsellor near you!